So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
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