get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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