I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
