a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
