Swine flu. Run for my life!
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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