the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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