I puked a lego.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Vodka?
Forever.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
