My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
