u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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