Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
sarcasm needs its own font
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
