On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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