A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
