guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
