I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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