The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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