Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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