I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
