My liver just broke up with me...
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
She's the barista slut.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
