Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
