True but thats because hes a fetus.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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