bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
