Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
