Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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