I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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