She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
