and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
