My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
