Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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