Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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