I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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