just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
