Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
