you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
