I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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