saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize