And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
