I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
