the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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