I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize