yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
