I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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