This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
