Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
