i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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