i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
