hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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