Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
