I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You've changed since you got that strap on
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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