hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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