did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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