You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
