last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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