I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
