I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
