Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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