omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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