So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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