So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
