Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
