im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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